Appeals, Apologies and Other Alliterations
by ColdFusion180
Summary: A public message from the Acolytes. Message being a relative term.


**Note: This story occurs outside my usual story continuity. All characters are "off camera" so to speak.**

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******Appeals, Apologies and Other Alliterations**

"_Bonjour, mes amies_," Remy smiled seated behind a large curved conference table. "Welcome to another production brought to you by us fun and loveable Acolytes! The _femmes_ all agree that my name is Remy."

"And the birthmark on my tongue says my name is Pyro!" Pyro chirped seated next to him. "Also with us here today are Colossus, Sabertooth and Mastermind!"

"Hello," Piotr waved politely while seated with the others at the table.

"Whatever," Sabertooth snorted while Mastermind gave a noncommittal sigh.

"Anyway," Remy spoke up. "We're here in response to all you people who saw the numerous warning signs about our stories and still decided to read them anyway."

"Yeah," Pyro nodded. "We'd like to apologize for the poor quality and low standards our Acolyte stories have been subjected to lately."

"Wait. What do you mean 'poor quality'?" Piotr asked in confusion.

"He means lack of content and shoddy writing," Remy told him. "You have to admit our stories have been on the decline for quite a while now."

"I disagree," Sabertooth grunted. "That statement implies our stories actually **had** quality at some point."

"Of course they had quality!" Pyro snapped. "At least they used to. Lately however our stories have been pretty darn bad."

"Are you sure?" Piotr asked. "I thought some of them were kind of good."

"Well just think about it _homme_," Remy addressed him. "Our Acolyte stories used to be full of wit, imagination, invention and creativity. Now they're just a collection of reused dialog, phrases and descriptions."

"Huh?" Piotr frowned. "What do you mean?"

"Well just look at the evidence!" Pyro held up some stories. "See? These same lines of dialog appear in the same story here, here and here! And this list shows the dialog that appears in multiple stories and how many times they've been used!"

"Wow," Piotr blinked. "That is a long list."

"And these are even worse," Remy held up more stories. "The same phrases and descriptions keep getting used over and over and over. 'Scorched', 'burned', 'insane', 'idiots', 'I don't believe it', 'I can't stand it'. Come up with some new stuff already!"

"You do seem to have a point," Piotr noted. "The author appears to be lacking diversity for the past several stories."

"The author is lacking a lot of things," Sabertooth growled. "Like ideas, talent and any trace of sanity!"

"You forgot to mention intelligence and common sense," Remy added.

"Eh, three out of five ain't bad," Pyro shrugged. "Though as a fellow writer I admit that it's hard to be creative and inventive all the time. But it doesn't excuse the practice of reusing past material."

"Isn't that called going with what works?" Piotr suggested.

"It's called **lousy writing**!" Sabertooth snapped. "It shows the author is a lazy, two-bit, no-talent hack! Not surprising when you see our stories are full of nothing but stupid and pointless plot lines."

"More like **lack** of plot lines," Mastermind spoke up. "I mean come on! I know I haven't been around as long as the rest of you, but none of the stories I have been in have had anything even resembling a plot line. Seriously, have you ever done anything remotely **interesting** or **useful** in your stories?"

"Well, we did shut down Pow-R 8 and prevent it from being used as a weapon against mutants," Piotr thought.

"After we drove the owner nuts and sent him on a one-way trip to the funny farm," Remy smirked.

"Gee, what a surprise," Mastermind groaned.

"And we have done many other beneficial things too," Piotr continued. "Like...um...um...uh..."

"I'm waiting," Mastermind folded his arms.

"Just a minute," Piotr tried to come up with something. "There was the...no. Um...how about the time we...uh, forget it. Maybe the...hmmm, nope. Ah ha! All the times we annoy and drive Magneto crazy!"

"Okay, **that** one I'll give you," Mastermind allowed.

"With brings up another point," Remy said. "A lot of our stories' plot lines are just copies of **previous** stories' plot lines. And I use the term 'plot line' **very** loosely."

"Really?" Piotr blinked. "I thought the author always tried to make every story special and unique."

"Well, you thought wrong," Remy corrected him. "Just look at this story 'Acolytes and Their Aberrations'."

"Okay," Piotr carefully read through it.

"Now look at this one," Remy handed him another story. "'Acolytes Run Amok'."

"Well, they seem to be..." Piotr trailed off. "Hey, wait a minute..."

"And then there's this one," Pyro shoved yet another story into his face. "'Abnormalities to Acolytes'!"

"These are all the same story," Piotr gasped in realization. "I mean the content is different, but they all have the same basic plot line. Or lack of one."

"See?" Remy concluded. "It's all proof of the author's over-reliance on reused content and the decline of our stories' quality."

"And that's not all. Look at how often the author uses song lyrics," Pyro held up some statistics. "Which officially don't exist otherwise the stories they appear in would probably be removed."

"Really?" Sabertooth perked up. "Who do I contact about this?"

"Anyway, getting back to the statistics," Pyro ignored him and consulted his notes. "In the past sixty five stories, twenty two of them have been built completely around a single song. And of the other forty three, ten have included lyrics from at least one song. Some have included three!"

"In other words, about half the stories," Remy said. "And that doesn't even include all the parodies we've done."

"Which further shows the author's lack of ability to create new content," Pyro finished. "Which in turn results in boring stories and a poor writing style. Believe me, I know bad writing when I see it."

"Yeah, since the stuff you write is almost as bad as the author's," Sabertooth quipped.

"Exactly," Pyro nodded. "Wait a second...hey!"

"I do not know," Piotr scratched his head. "Don't parodies require the author to imagine new content to successfully introduce into the stories?"

"No, the author just takes old, previously established settings and characters and gives them a twist to make them appear new," Remy corrected. "Which pretty much describes every story we have ever done."

"And even when we have a great writing idea, the author usually botches up by doing a terrible execution of it," Pyro added. "Which **also** describes pretty much every story we have ever done."

"If you say so," Piotr said skeptically. "So, what do you plan to do about it?"

"I'm glad you asked, mate," Pyro grinned and gave a big smile. "Since the author is obviously incompetent and of a very one-track mind..."

"More like **no** mind," Sabertooth grunted.

"We would like to ask you, the readers, to press for new, high-quality content and fresh ideas to help make our Acolyte stories great again!" Pyro chirped excitedly.

"Not to mention pushing for more balanced screen times so certain people don't continue to hog the spotlight," Remy whistled and subtly indicated Pyro.

"Look who's talking," Pyro snapped. "You're the one who has the biggest ego around here of anyone except Mags!"

"At least I don't steal everyone else's screen time by having every other story be about fire!" Remy shot back.

"No, you just steal period!" Pyro shouted.

"Personally I wouldn't mind having **less** screen time," Mastermind stated. "In fact, I move that I be left out of the stories completely!"

"Oh no you don't," Sabertooth growled. "You're not getting out of this that easy!"

"I would like to see more variety in the stories," Piotr interrupted. "It would be nice to get out more often instead of being confined to the base."

"Yeah!" Pyro stopped arguing with Remy and got a happy twinkle in his eye. "We could go and see the world and have all sorts of fun!"

"And that sound you hear is the rest of the world quaking in their boots in fear," Sabertooth quipped.

"Uh oh," Piotr gulped. "Why do I have the feeling I am going to regret making that suggestion?"

"Forget that. I want to have the stories switch genres for a change," Remy said passionately. "I want to be in a story that has action, drama, excitement and lots and lots of romance!"

"Oh dear," Piotr groaned.

"Now don't get me wrong. I like a good gag as much as the next guy," Remy continued. "But for once let's have a story with all the comedy, madness and randomness left out."

"And the insanity," Mastermind added. "**Especially** leave out the insanity!"

"I mean, come on here people! Look at what all the author is letting go to waste," Remy preened and struck a pose. "I'm Remy Lebeau for crying out loud! I'm every _femme's_ dream! And how many romantic scenes have I been in? Virtually none! I want to have more! **You** want to have more! Especially those involving me and a certain special, lovely _chérie_."

"You mean that funny dental shelia you're always running into?" Pyro asked.

"NO!" Remy yelled. "NEVER MENTION THAT _FEMME_ TO ME AGAIN! NEVER EVEN JOKE ABOUT IT! NEVER! NEVER! NEVER!"

"I don't know Cajun. I think she's really into you," Sabertooth grinned at Remy's discomfort.

"Na, it wasn't her," Pyro consulted the relevant story. "It was the impression tray that was stuck really into..."

"SHUT UP!" Remy screamed. "I NEVER WANT TO BE REMINDED OF THAT! I STILL HAVE NIGHTMARES ABOUT WHAT SHE DID WITH THAT, THE HANDCUFFS AND THE EVIL, EVIL AIR HOSE!"

"Air hose?" Mastermind blinked.

"Yeah, the air hose," Pyro looked at him. "Haven't you read **any** of our previous stories?"

"I'm **afraid** to!" Mastermind gulped. "I don't know what you people have been through over the years and I don't want to know! I have enough nightmares already!"

"Aw, come on Masty. You really oughta have a decko at 'em," Pyro urged. "Some moments in them are priceless! Like the time Mags got drunk and started flying around in his undies and...say, where **is** Mags anyway?"

"EUREKA!" Magneto was heard shouting off-screen. "I'VE FINALLY FIGURED IT OUT! I'VE FOUND A WAY TO ENSURE I NEVER HAVE TO APPEAR IN ONE OF THESE STUPID STORIES AGAIN!"

"WHAT?!" Sabertooth roared. "OUTTA MY WAY!" He immediately ran off. "BOSS WHATEVER IT IS YOU'RE UP TO, I WANT IN!"

"Wait for me!" Mastermind quickly followed suit.

"Hey, come back here!" Pyro yelled and ran after them. "If you blokes leave we may never put out another Acolyte story!"

"GOOD!" Sabertooth shouted.

"FREEDOM!" Magneto howled maniacally. "SO LONG SUCKERS!"

"I WOULDN'T COUNT ON IT!" Pyro screamed.

"Oh dear," Piotr winced as sounds of fighting and destruction were heard. "Well, due to should-have-been-foreseen circumstances, this concludes the latest edition of the lives of us Acolytes. Remy, is there anything else you would like to say?"

"Evil _femme_...crazy _femme_," Remy rocked back and forth in his chair while muttering to himself. "Dental _femmes_ are scary...want Rogue...more romantic scenes with Rogue...must have Rogue..."

"Never mind," Piotr groaned. "Here is hoping we all manage to get our wishes involving our upcoming stories fulfilled. Though how they will end up backfiring on us is anyone's guess!"

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**Disclaimer: I do not own X-Men: Evolution.**


End file.
